I've had lots of ideas for my first post to this blog, and have consequently written nothing! I will be starting my first quasi-Rife treatment tomorrow (hopefully) and will probably be out of commission for awhile, so I figured I better get something started.
I'll start with something simple; an explanation of the title of the blog. Both a Maple tree and the image of a warrior have become strong healing images for me of late.
When I was a child we had a house in the foothills of the Catskills with a beautiful Maple tree in front. I loved it, and I felt it loved me--unconditionally! I also remember a feeling associated with it of strength through the trunk reaching into the earth and upward to the sky. While this tree is no longer physically in my life, I feel it still, its strength now something inside my body, rather than beside it.
The second image, that of a warrior, depicted here by my mother, is a startling one to me. I confess that almost without knowing it I had infused the challenge of dealing with my health issues with New Age notions such as "make love not war" with the microbial intruders. They must have a lesson for me, for my benefit. Or perhaps God does. Or, if only I could dwell in divine love more perfectly, I would be healed without even the need for medical treatment. I imagine I'm doing some misrepresenting, but these kinds of ideas are common here in Santa Fe, where beliefs about illness and healing crowd every street corner. (And this is only a tiny sampling.) But as something in me has grown stronger, for reasons I may grope at describing in another entry, an energy has grown in my solar plexus that can only be described as that of a warrior. I am "battle-ready".
I have felt conflicted about this! And yet it is so undeniable as to defy argument.
Here's what my dear friend Kathleen, who typed this out for me, had to say re my dilemma: "I think warrior mode is great and we should be out to absolutely get every damn little spirochete we can get our hands on. This is a very spiritual stance."
Here's what Jeannie, another friend and a spiritual teacher said: Warrior is great. Warrior FOR life, for living, for yes!!! Yay! Fierceness of warrior for life is great. If someone was in my house to harm S, it would be love with teeth not love with tea and cookies. It would be, f**k no, a firm, clear refusal to allow harm, but it would not be hey, you're a f***ker.
It would be, very clear, there's the door, get out, and bless you on your way. So how does fierceness enter without making anything wrong or bad? Can you say to the spirochetes, thank God for me, and I'm saying, enough, I want to live, I fiercely show you the door.Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some of you know mountain lions have a special significance for me, since I encountered one and had a ferocious face-off in the wilderness. That’s a story for another day, but it’s a happy coincidence that Jeannie sent me this image.
So perhaps it’s not such a rigid dichotomy as “make love or make war,” but “make love via war,” or “make war with love,” or something more subtle.
Finally, my father has copiously and charmingly indulged another related image, that of a dragon. Here is an example; this one he drew while I was on my first harrowing trial of antibiotics a couple of weeks ago:
It’s been rare and outrageous -- though head-splitting -- fun doing this small creative project of getting this blog going. Perhaps the big new monitor Pop is getting me will help in the future! Please see Mom's post below for more up-to-date medical info. Much love, Molly
Posts
I've disliked the word 'blog' from the first, but I think now, with your help, I might warm to it. I hated the word 'yoga' too, which kept me from checking it out for a long time, but when I finally did....! Your blog, I think, is as good yoga. It brings us you and some of the people who are part of you (or vice versa). I loved knowing some of your thoughts and those of your friends, seeing your parents' drawings. The whole thing made more precious still by the knowledge that it came at the price of an agonizing headache. In light of which, it’s hard to ask for more, but I DO want to know about the lion encounter, and what a quasi-Rife treatment is. with love ~ alisa
ReplyDeleteMollie, I am so not a blogger, so forgive me if this doesn't come out like I intended. I have only ordered 2 items on ebay, and one was a complete hassle. I only just found out what "twitter" was, so I am trying to learn very "new tricks" as a very "old dog". I very much like the image "maple warrior" congers. I believe the essence of our lives is the struggle. The victory is sweet but fleeting and the focus of the struggle keeps us from being distracted. I only wish your "focus" wasn't so dreadfully painful and debilitating. You are up to the challenge. God has a peculiar way of providing challenges to his children, but as a "Child of God", you will meet the test. The theology of the cross is a journey with frustrating dead ends and perilous turns, but the victory is our salvation. I have learned that we are nearest to God when we are at our weakest point. Remember always, you are a Maxfield, and we have never done things in the most orthodox way and always with much drama and some times pain. That is the way it should be. I hope to be in Santa Fe soon and will at least drive by your house. I hope to see you on that motor cycle very soon. I will ride it with you when you are ready. I want to send you some pictures of my "focus" for much of my energy (grand kids) and I will try to figure out how to do it. Maybe your mom can give me some instruction as to how to add to these posts if that is possible. If not I will send in a separate email. I retired in December and am adjusting to not having to dance to the piper any more. It is great! Please know that we will continue to pray for you and that you are loved. Love to you, cousin. Ron
ReplyDeletemuch 2 say 2 both, but need typer. xox & tk u soo 4 now. hugs
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHi Molly! :-)
ReplyDeleteThere are few pleasures to be had from Molly’s illness, but one, highly gratifying and wholly unforseen, has been the drawings that we exchange by fax. Starting with Marilyn, we began to accompany our fax signatures with small drawings, and then to add them to the text.
ReplyDeleteMolly’s drawings, because of her visual constraints, are simple and spare but highly expressive of indignation, pleasure and the like.
Marilyn complains her draftsmanship is poor, but we dispute that and think her drawings are the most expressive. Some, like the one of our family, including our cairn terrier Duncan, sledding in winter, and most of all the picture of Molly and the Ent fighting off the spirochetes (which is posted in the blog) are our best.
For myself it has been a return to my youth. Until I was a teenager I did a lot of drawing, mostly of football players. (I spent hours trying to make them look like real action pictures rather pictures of grotesque sculptures.) I gave it up finally because I could see from watching my sister Joyce what truly talented people could do. She, and later her daughter Sarah, were the real thing.
So it was suddenly fun to be drawing again. I took up making grandiose scenes in which I could place Molly struggling with the lyme. Our family trip to Egypt had been a big thing for us so I took up the symbols of the Akhenatan and Nefertiti period (the ankh signs and pointed fingers at the ends of rays of the sun) to represent the curative powers of love (the sunshine). This led to placing Molly, as "Queen Molly”, in the highest level of one of the highest of human cultures. Then, when I switched to dragons, she became “Queen Molly dragon” defending the fortress of her health.
One thing has led to another, and we laugh at and enjoy our dubious skills and sometimes outrageous conceits.
Hello, Molly! You have always been so fierce--and kind. I see what you mean about thinking that you could/should be loving toward the microbial intruders, but I think you should kick their ass. In North Carolina, we are very fond of kicking ass. Just recently, I was at dinner with some Southerners who seemed to want to go on and on about the old South: whiskey, old trucks, dead mules. I don't want to preserve any of this. Some things need to be wiped away so that something else can be born. We have memory so we don't forget what was before, but when a change is needed (like, for example, Obama in the White House, and sent there by some Southern, Western, and Midwestern states as well as those we were all expecting), we have to be fierce to bring it about. At least that's what I think! And I definitely didn't start this post thinking I would be making some kind of comparison between Lyme and John McCain....
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Faulkner
haha Faulkner is right:
ReplyDeletemake love *and* war
love your enemies and kick their ass
:-)
加油 Molly!
Molly, it's wonderful that you are reaching out to old friends!! I'm stunned to read all of the challenges that you are facing right now - and realize how much we take for granted in life! I'm sending wishes of strength and recuperation. Just to catch up since 1980 (!) I am living outside of Boston, married (2nd time) with two sons, 13 and 16. My younger sister Sarah carries on the St. Ann's tradition, she lives in Brooklyn and her 2 kids are enrolled there. I will keep my eye on this space, and look forward to good news as you embark on the new treatment.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you and your family,
Martha Bayliss
Just read your blog, Molly. I wanted to tell you that in dealing with the chronic pain (and new pain from a roll over accident on I-40 in October) that I have reclaimed the poet-warrior. We fight on so many levels, outside perception be damned! I'm glad you've taken up the shield and the sword, Molly, to fight the invasion of your body by this marauding force. Don't forget magic... Don't forget what you know... Remembering is half the battle. I'm with you...
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone, for your wonderful responses!
ReplyDeleteThank you, as always, Alisa for responding to gestalt of msg.
I wasn't going to tell the mountain lion story just now, but suddenly feel a need to. It's a long, involved, fun-to-tell story (now that the trauma is long passed!) but I will cut to the chase. My hiking partner and I had a series of mishaps and ordeals, ending in our getting lost, injured, hiking all night long, and finally, at 4:00 AM, arriving at the top of an 11,000 foot mountain pass, knowing with great relief that our tent was in the valley on the other side, and we were just about home-free.
Just then, we encountered a mountain lion that hissed at us.
What most struck me was the immediate primal instinct it brought out in me. I roared (with my and my partner’s roaring echoing off the valleys on either side of the pass!) and was instantly transformed into a ferocious animal. I had the absolute conviction that if the lion attacked, I would rip it to shreds with my teeth and fingernails.
Objectively, if it had been a rational analysis, I would have been more doubtful about who would have been the victor in such an encounter. But perhaps it was just that irrational conviction that caused the lion to back off.
Later, I was thankful to that lion for introducing the "lion-in-me" to myself, so to speak.
I see that I need more of a sustained sense of that power here, a primal, beyond-reason sense that I can defend myself from my attackers. It is good to recall that utter conviction. Perhaps that is the growing warrior inside me.
Someone else will have to answer the Rife question!
Dear Ron,
ReplyDeleteFor “so-not-a-blogger" you did great! Thank you for reminding me of the theology of the cross. While Christianity is not my chosen path, I love much of the spirit of it. I am drawn to the image of the cross, but--please forgive my ignorance--I do not understand it fully.
That life involves suffering is a reality I have pointlessly resisted, ever since I can recall seeing road kill and homeless people in NYC as a young child. This resistance to the basic reality of the human condition has not been a helpful stance in life and certainly is one the illness has been grinding out of me.
I have some sincere questions: What is the test? Why is there a test? What is the point of it? What constitutes passing it? What IS salvation?
Now, I am very curious what you mean about being a Maxfield. Since that side of the family is so much less populous, I have fewer associations. So that we have a tendency to do things in unorthodox, dramatic and painful ways is very intriguing to me! I'd love to hear more! Please reply over e-mail, if you don't want to do so on such a public forum!
I am touched by the thought of your driving by my house when in Santa Fe. The pic on the front of the blog was taken on that glorious motorcycle day, btw! I look forward to a ride together!
Prayers and Love, Molly
Hi Kai, What a pleasure to see your name show up! How is life in Paris? Thank you for your support. Yes, Love and War!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Pop, for this family history and for recalling my cousin Sarah. And also for explaining why the drawings had captions about "Queen Molly", which was a little embarrassing! Who knew this whole new rich, fun and sometimes hilarious form of contact would develop amongst us!
ReplyDeleteI have these drawings, that I receive almost daily from you and Mom, along with the artistic contributions of my nieces and friends, together with photos from family and friends--those with relevant symbolism, those that are personal, and those as well that give me a taste of the world at large—hung all around the house. They lift me everyday.
Dear Faulkner, You have known me 28 years! So thanks for reflecting both qualities back to me. But I guess they weren’t integrated. I couldn’t FEEL where love could look like kicking ass. Yes, out with the old, in with the new! Love, Molly
ReplyDeleteDear Martha, Wow. Great to hear from you. Thanks for your support and look forward to catching up over e-mail!
ReplyDeleteDear Kate, Thank you so much for sharing your struggles, and also for bringing up three important elements that were beginning to come together in my mind for a future entry: "outside perception be damned," "magic," and, "remembering."
ReplyDeleteDeep sigh. Just to have these words brought into the dialogue. Thank you for that. Please do share your poetry. Love, Molly
From the day I first heard from you online, Molly, I felt a stream of connectedness with you. It must be your gift, because here you are making something wonderful happen by connecting us all with you at center.
ReplyDeleteI remember shortly after we met online lying in bed in the middle of the night with the radio on and hearing a retired general--I think he was--talking about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and comparing them to all the previous wars he had served in (many). He said that the whole nature of the military had changed now, through a new positive force, because women were fighting side by side with men. He talked about how fierce these women were and how impressive they were in combat, and he dubbed them "warrior goddesses" and he spoke with great respect. I was half asleep and half awake, and somehow that phrase kept rolling around in my mind: "warrior goddess." In Jungian terms, we know there is an archetype of the warrior and there is one of the goddess, but perhaps a new one is evolving, as the general implied, of "warrior goddess." What impact has combat had on the collective female psyche? Perhaps through morphic resonance, we have passed the point (that 100th monkey thing) where we experience these warrior experiences individually because the archetypal energy has made its way into our collective female experience. So perhaps you Maple are both the giver and recipient of the female warrior goddess energy for and from us all. Maple Warrior Goddess. I like that. Thank you and bless you. Love, Jane
There are many ways to be a warrior. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteAs for my health, both physical problems are for life, or death, depending upon how they work out. There is a saying in Chinese, meiyou banfa, meaning 'there is nothing you can do.' Life is just that, full of uncertainty, ambiguity, uncontrollability; who's to know what outcome will obtain? Good stuff for Buddhist practice, as it puts the nature of change / impermanence smack between one’s eyes.
And who's to know, whip this one and something else comes along. There is simply no way to outrun one’s life.
There is nothing wrong in hoping that life will continue on one’s own terms, but when we look closer, we see in our impositional desiring that hope and fear are dual partners. The question is: Is one willing to strive fiercely toward living while also granting acceptance to the shadow of fear that reminds that this hope may not fulfill, and for both to be there together simultaneously? This means, rather than having some kind of either / or reality, to be receptive to both-and as two sides of an integrated whole reality.
As for equanimity on living or dying, I still notice times of clinging to hope, and it's usually in that place that my fear and suffering intensifies. However, I remember two times when I was overtaken by deep despair and right there in its very midst was found a sublime sense of peace. It was when I realized that it ALL was out of my control and that there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to change life's course. I understood that it was all beyond me; like when meiyou banfa was fully realized in that moment; I could just let it all go. I can't put that moment into words as it was actually experienced; I just knew there was nothing at all that needed to be controlled, everything was outside my control, and it was okay just like that.
All the best, Chuan Ping
You are what your deep, driving desire is.
ReplyDeleteAs your deep, driving desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
- Upanishads
I love the maple tree image and here's another for you, a poem by Tagore . . .
ReplyDelete"The soil in return for her service
keeps the tree tied to her,
the sky asks nothing and leaves it free
xoxoxo deborah
Dear Molly:
ReplyDeleteI wanted to write a bit about the fierceness you are developing and trying to be conscious of. You know we were each others earliest friends, and I have this memory of you feeling very confident about and always being assertive with your ideas, and also being competitive (remember you loved winning games at my birthday parties?). You really loved to win games in general! I loved and was attracted to these things about you from early on. You were and are an exciting, invigorating person to be around ( I'm sure that you have not been feeling like this over the last couple of years). I guess what I'm saying is, maybe something happened to your sense of self as you got older -- I'm not exactly sure when -- but you have strength within you that was very accessible and apparent when we were kids.
Love and positive healing energy flowing your way,
Nan
Mollie, I am sending you a letter via email. i am doing that so you can enlarge it. If your email is still the same, it will get there. If not, I will find it and try again. RM
ReplyDeleteDearest Molly,
ReplyDeleteThere are many positive spiritual warrior images. I have a deep respect for this state.
My teacher Leslie Temple Thurston says the key to opening the knot in the solar plexus is to: FORGIVE ALL BETRAYALS.
This allows us to fully move into our hearts. It takes a fierceness to forgive all betrayals!
Leslie says the key to opening the third chakra is: View the ego impersonally.
We are not the ego or the personality or the body. Our separate self is a form that exists to play out the drama. YOU are eternal.
When we feel powerless, we are projecting our power outside of our selves... giving it away. Then we feel victimized by our experience.
Surrender into Oneness is part of forgiveness. Can we become one with what we believe is having power over us?
Blessings and love, Elizabeth
Hi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what you are going through in your illness; 'like drinking from a stream, only she knows what it feels like.' (grand master Wei Jie.) This is one meaning of being a warrior.
I cannot comprehend your experience no matter how much I wish doing so could relieve your suffering.
But if my own illness is a compass, I know the loneliness and centralizing into oneself that significant health problems can bring.
With you always, Chuan Ping
I was just talking about you today, about the time you visited me when I was weighed down by my father's death, my mother's terminal illness, and parenting, and you saw where my head/heart was and brought me back to center. Ever grateful. I send prayers and good wishes your way.
ReplyDeleteHey Molly, I especially loved the story behind your post. It took me back to my favorite climbing tree when I was growing up, and I remembered how special that tree was to me. I could feel its strength and kindness...only recently did I learn that this stems from 380 million years of evolution (they have been here so much longer than we have!).
ReplyDeleteHang in there Molly – I know firsthand that diseases play tricks with the mind to reinforce themselves, so be strong. You are meant to be well, not sick. The goal is to be 100 percent cured, nothing less. Go for it.
Lots and lots of love
For almost a year now I’ve had the honor of being a “servant of the heart” to Molly. I visit her three times a week ready to do whatever she asks me to: cleaning, folding laundry, washing dishes, cleaning air filters, mixing medicines, squeezing toothpaste, opening lids, refilling lots of water bottles, cleaning the refrigerator, an occasional errand, etc. Sending her love and prayers for healing while I do these tasks – many of which – especially the cleaning ones - I rarely ever do in my own home!
ReplyDeleteAt Molly’s I love putting myself aside and just being of service; offering love, kindness, compassion, support, sometimes humor, sometimes thoughts to Molly.
Once in a while I get to see her, which is always a treat! I know most or all of the time interaction causes her great physical pain. But sometimes I get to listen to her if she’s wanting to talk, and sometimes I just get to love her up and be there with her while she cries – also great treats.
I really miss her when I don’t get to see her, but the good thing is that I always get to love her whether I see her or not. I also struggle with why anyone should have to suffer like this.
One day, not too long ago, Molly was quite upset, lost in that turbulent sea of feeling bad about herself. I listened to her and it was so clear to me that while her feelings felt very real to her they had nothing to do with current reality, but were instead old hurts playing in their old groove. I often wonder what I have to offer that would be useful to Molly, and what came up was this quote of the Buddha’s that I’d stumbled upon a few years ago. It says, “You, more than anyone else in the universe, deserve your own love and affection.”
I was shocked that the Buddha would ever say anything like that, but its always stuck with me and I use it a lot in my own hard moments. I offered it to Molly as a contradiction to the harsh beliefs that say we’re bad, not good enough, at fault, etc. that we all tend to get lost in from time to time.
When I first read the quote I thought it sounded so selfish and self-indulgent. But after mulling it over and doing some of my own healing work I think that it speaks to the spiritual warrior inside of us: that place where each of us has to slay/silence/embrace our own self-created demons that keep us from knowing/connecting with our true selves and knowing/connecting with the true selves of others.
I’m happy that it was useful for Molly. Perhaps it’s a good foundation for all of us to embrace.
Love and hugs,
Linda
Why am I here? Why do I get up in the morning? As we are lucky enough to uncover that, what we came here for, and as we set it right in the middle of our lives, on the altar of our lives, as we say “Yes, this” and we turn our faces fully toward It, It takes over our lives. It wants us. The want that we feel in our hearts is It wanting us.
ReplyDeleteI read with interest Linda's post about Buddah's comment. I concur and believe we cannot love others fully unless we love ourselves. When we look inward and try to find redeemable features to love, we are stopped by our unwillingness to forgive ourselves for our human failings. We define ourselves in terms that don't embrace our gestalt. We are our truest selves if we can remember who we were the instant before we lost our innocence. That moment before a cruel and strident world began to encroach and devise our "roles". Our memories are dim of that soul, but it is the essence of our being. That is why we are "children of God".
ReplyDeletePeace and blessing, Molly. RM
Molly, I relate to your concept of the treatments providing the weapons that will help you conquer this devastating disease.
ReplyDeleteIn the 80's when I had breast cancer, imaging was popularized and most self-help books talked about conjuring up white clouds in a serene blue sky or some other calming scene. From the beginning, I felt strongly that I was waging a war, and took great satisfaction in imagining those bad cells as they were zapped into oblivion.
Reading your medical update, I was again overwhelmed by the complexity and insidious nature of your illness, and the heroic effort that you all have mounted to combat it.
David joins in sending our love to you all.
Nada
please, could we have an update? thank you so much....
ReplyDeleteDear Molly,
ReplyDeleteam sitting here and thinking of you and sending you all the good thoughts I can muster with best wishes added for good measure.
You are in my thoughts and prayers every morning and every night.
Love, Lore